Why Single Women Hate The Sleepover

By Fringe Staff

By Ryann Loves Ryann

If this fool stretches his giant, dead arm into my sleeping zone one more time, I swear to God. I’m going to flash. I’m going to take his arm and twist it over his head and pull it upward so that he starts to cry and scream for mercy!! And now he’s snoring.

But…it’s not really snoring…its….breathing. Or he’s… choking? Should I cover his lips and blow into his nose to clear some space? Should I sit up and make the bed shake like I’m having a crazed nightmare and startle this fool to death?……My alarm is going off in 2 hours. I think I seriously slept for an hour tonight…I should just get up now; start an early day at work, like a zombie. A zero tolerance, dark circles under both eyes, party monster.

MY bed. MY room. MY sleep. And HE is enjoying every minute of it.

Ladies, is getting loud the best thing to do at this point? I should have every right to let loose and cuss even. This is my soft, sanctuary of personal comfort and my guy is in my happy place. Causing a ruckus. What the hell?

I roll over. His arm is now stuck like a twisted branch under my boney back.

“DUDE!” … He Stirs

“DUDE! You are seriously hurting me! Scoot over!!!”

“Sorry, baby,” he says.

My perfect sleepover is when the two of us are so wiped out from a long night of really good sex that we just pass out together in some random position. Then my alarm goes off, and I almost forget that he was there the whole time. He almost looks cute lying there, with his sexy eyes closed.

The problem with this: There are far too many factors that go into perfectly deep, uninterrupted, comatose-like slumber. Sucks for me being a light sleeper and all, since snoring and jabbing are the two worst bedtime blunders I’m occasionally assaulted with. These are considered my personal “sleepover crimes”.

It also sucks bad when a guy gets “too hot” and tends to sweat-out not just your whole body, but also the sheets and pillow. He is NOT kidding when he says, “Babe, open the window….Can you switch off the heater?…Why isn’t your air on?” If you’re a big glutton for snuggling after sex (Why?), you better take his aggressive hints. He is a “Bed Sweater”. What could be more unncomfortable than cold, damp sheets? Mmmm…makes me wanna snuggle all day.

But by far THE worst, most heinous, sleepover felony of all time, is the “Bed Wetter”. Ladies, if you have experienced the after-math of one of these, the end of your relationship is not just near, but slapping you in the face. No crazy-good sex is worth the woes of this disaster. Maybe he didn’t quite wet the bed, but he “sleep-walked” to a corner of your room thinking it was a urinal in the men’s bathroom of his drunken dreams. This is nothing funny. This is driving him back from wherever he came from right that moment type of sleeping accident.

The lesser of all sleepover evils is simply when the sex is short and boring and he passes out instantly in your comfy bed, all mixed up in your zone…just being there.

Single chicks. Why do we have this unspoken connection between sharing our beds after sharing our bodies? There is nothing remotely intimate about trying to get a good night’s sleep for the long day ahead. My sleep is important business, and when you get in between me and my floating ZZZ’s, I’m going to get pretty freaking irrational.

I really want my guy to stay here in bed next to me, maybe even get me excited in the morning; if only he could behave! Can he just sleep soundly in his little private space and barely breathe and stir less recklessly? …..Just way too much to ask I guess.