Can’t Buy Me Love
My single woman’s dream is to be pursued by a handsome, successful, adventurous man who is a hopeless romantic and ready to fall madly in love with me. He believes in day trips to the beach, dozens of roses, shots of the finest tequila, and sleeping in late. He is young at heart, but is intrigued by my thoughts, tells me twice a day I’m beautiful, kisses me every time with the same amount of passion as the very first kiss, and never….ever…insists that it’s my turn to please him in bed.
Yeah. Yeah. Shoot me now! This sugary crap is a fairytale, a castle in the sky with the odds of becoming a reality the same as getting struck by lighting in California or being eaten by a Great White shark! What kind of single women does this actually happen to, and when it does happen, is it real? Is it genuine? Does the wedding ceremony in Italy followed by the three week Hawaiian honeymoon extend into a lifetime of marital bliss and happily ever after, the whole sh-bang? The soul mate BFF, ’till death do we part yadda yadda?
And why does Hollywood relentlessly push us to have so much hope in this nearly impossible plan? Take the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, a classic love story of ugly duckling virgin being frantically chased by super sweet, super sexy, smart guy. She magically becomes attractive and ambitious and he becomes Greek enough to sweep her off her feet. The End.
In real life the ugly duckling matures into an even uglier duck and doesn’t get a fighting chance. She drinks tea, reads lengthy novels, is a great aunt, and raises a dozen cats.
But there is always a fine line between optimism and pessimism. A single woman MUST believe in her own, unique and very personal dream or else she might as well throw in the towel.
My fantasy, although still extremely vivid and usually played in my head five times a day, has been bruised somewhat over the last couple weeks by dorky, unattractive men trying to trick me into believing they are the ones destined to carry me into sudden paradise.
Dork #1 has been at my damn feet for seven months now. I kept him on the fence for a long time because he was a fun first date, had an interesting job that had him traveling every three months and was almost cute enough to be labeled ‘tall, dark, and handsome’, except that he awkwardly had braces, which made me feel like I was 16 again. I told myself that he would have a gorgeous smile once they were removed. How’s that for optimism?!
He called me last week from some far away place where it was hard to hear and asked me if he could fly me out to Florida for a luxurious, all-expensespaid vacation in mid-June. I have never been to Florida.
I immediately said, “yes,” then immediately asked if he was expecting me to sleep with him. After a couple days of heavy thinking, he told me that if he wanted hot arm candy to give him blue balls he’d just assume renting an escort and save some money on air fair.
I told him to never call me again. What do I look like, a damn prostitute with big dreams? Take your Florida adventure and shove it way up your flat ass! I heard Florida isn’t that cool anyway, too sticky, and way too sticky to spend with a desperate, dorky guy with big, flashy teeth.
Even dorkier guy #2, whom I fittingly met at a frequented bar, had a whirlwind vacation package coordinated after our first “date”. He was to take me around the country to every great theme park, again he promised, “all-expenses paid”.
I started thinking: I’d rather expense my own sunshiny vacation where I could pick some hot, fun guy to tag along with me. Sorry, Fantasy, I know we both got excited there for a minute, but I can’t be losing self-respect at such a vital time in my single life.
I hate to sound cliché, but perhaps a dream is just that. You create it out of a limitless imagination and fine-tune it until it’s just about perfect…and then the idea is that you meet Mr. Perfect and the dream is all wrapped up into one person who brings to your life dreams that you never even considered. Until that Mr. Perfect crosses my path, I can’t muddy up my dream with dorks and the hopelessly hopeless. I got bigger things to do.
Getting Their Swagger Back
Up Close With Will Haven
Some bands slip into a coma and disappear after a “hiatus”, especially one that lasts for almost six years. Some bands never recover from losing a key member of the band that was a friend, and one that was family for so long. Some bands exist purely to get signed and make money, Will Haven is not, and has not been that band.
Through more than eleven years, Sacramento’s Will Haven has been a staple in the music community alongside hometown heroes and friends the Deftones. The world knows the Deftones because of their support of a major label who put them on MTV and major tours like Ozzfest.
Will Haven virtually created a sound of it’s own, mixed with sludgy guitars and heavy bass that leaves your bones rattling and ears ringing for at least three days a show.
Saturday, April 28th was Will Haven’s second show back in Sacramento after a tour with the Deftones in Europe.
What more perfect of a place to have the show than at the “Town House,” one of Sacramento’s well known old venues.
Downtown Sacto’s former reign of the local scene had dwindled over the last two years. This show proved that Downtown was coming back up to the top.
The night was clear and dry, the ladies were ready for a rock ‘n roll show, and the guys were ready to drink and hear some loud heavy music.
My neck was hurting, and my arms were killing me from some good head banging and moshing, but I was still able to track down the sweatdrenched guys after the show one-by-one and get some good answers, good laughs, and have some beers. We were able to chat about everything from the departure of Grady Avenell (longtime vocalist), to the new album, and to Mitch Wheeler’s kabob shop he plans on opening in Sacramento. The only one lacking on the night was being able to track down guitarist Jeff Irwin, but I got plenty more for all you kids that are dying for some more info.
After a killer show, and enough $1 pints of Pabst to make your stomach run circles around your ankles, I was able to catch up with Jeff Jaworski (new vocalist, and lead singer for Red Tape).
FRINGE: What possessed you to go from Red Tape to Will Haven, or did they approach you?
JAWORSKI: Yeah, When Will Haven approached me, it was actually the second time. The first time was back in ‘03. Right when Red Tape got signed. We were really busy. This time around, it was perfect, Red Tape was right in the middle of songs, we didn’t have a whole lot of shows going on. Originally they asked me to fill in for Grady and then tour in Europe with the Deftones, and I was like “F— Yeah.” So, I started learning the songs, which didn’t take long. I’ve played bass with Will Haven before, I’ve toured with them, I’ve known them since they started, they’re like my oldest group of friends . Then they started recording their album, in the middle of the album Grady quit, so they had half the album written. With no Grady, they were like, ‘Dude do you wanna sing the album?’ I was like, “F– Yeah.” I love recording. I started writing my ass off and wrote like 12 songs in f-n’ two months, world record for me. Then we went and recorded it between here and L.A., with Shaun Lopez and Chino Moreno, and we just f-n’ did that shit. I sung the last note on the last song, and the next day I was in Europe … it was like non-stop for months.”
FRINGE: How involved was Chino?
JAWORSKI: He actually only worked on the few couple of songs, by the time I started doing vocals he had already left on tour, so he just helped arrange maybe about three or four songs. Really the bulk of it was done by Shaun Lopez, who did an outstanding job, busted ass, stayed up late every night. Most of the props go to Shaun, of course we have to give our props to Chino for being a part of it, having an interest in it, and giving us that tour in Europe.
FRINGE: What was it like in Europe?
JAWORSKI: It was amazing, we were opening for the Deftones, so you know the shows were huge. We had a driver. It was hard at times. The first week we got there we had six shows in a row. We had this rickety bus, it was really hard to sleep. We were all just kind of getting burnt out, but when we had our first day off, it was a piece of cake. Afterwards, I was able to catch long time bass player Mike Martin as he was packing up, and was interrupted here and there by drummer Mitch Wheeler (who seems to have a thing for Falafels and Kabobs, and if you’re lucky you might catch a glimpse of him working the door at The Golden Bear on 24th and K.)
FRINGE: I hate to ask, but is there any animosity between you guys and Grady?
MARTIN: There’s no animosity between him and I or anyone else I don’t think. My arms always open. I’ve known him since I was in the seventh grade. He knows where I live, he can come over and kick it, its all good man.
FRINGE: A local magazine, leaked that Jeff was the new lead singer, was that planned?”
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WHEELER: They came into our practice room and they did this little interview with us or something. We told them Jeff was in the band, but Jeff hadn’t told his work yet that he was going on tour with us. We were trying to keep it secret from Jaworski’s work. So, then, like, when everybody read it, they thought that, since we hadn’t told anybody yet, they’re like, “I think they did a miss print, that the singer for Red Tape is in Will Haven now.” We’re like, “Yeah, that was awesome!”
FRINGE: Any good stories from Europe?
MARTIN: It was crazy for Mitch and I. Austria was crazy for us man. Tour nights are good, but those nights off, mother-f–ers get in trouble. We weren’t seriously bad … I’ll just leave it at that, for the road.
WHEELER: I tried to jump into a shark tank at one point. We were in Italy and Mike had a vendetta against rearview mirrors on Vespas. Breaking everything, dude.
FRINGE: What’s it like to be back?
MARTIN: We played a great show tonight, but the night is not over yet.
Album comes out June 19, hopefully we can do something after that to support it. The albums called Heirophant.
WHEELER: I rode a mountain bike off a stage in Germany, I f–n’ hurt my elbow and my hand. At one point, Mike punched me in the back really hard. I choked Lance, that little guitarist we have hired on to make us sound like Depeche Mode. Also, his hair smells like falafels when he’s on the road, and I’m a hungry guy.
FRINGE: How has the crowd responded to the new singer?
WHEELER: It’s been all good really. Some of the shows were a little bit hit or miss. The Holland shows, where they sell weed legally, a lot of the crowd was just standing around, they clapped every time.
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It’s always been positive shit about Jaworski. Can’t really talk shit about something that’s good, and Jaworski is good. That’s the general consensus, everyone is just stoked, Will Haven continues. It just proves a point. It’s all about the whole vibe of the band and the music I like Donner kabobs. I’m going to open my own kabob shop here in Sac., it’s going to be called Bob’s Kabob. It’s gonna be yellow and red. We’re gonna have pictures of me with a long knife shaving schwerma off a stick. I’m gonna have chili sauce and pita bread and garlic yogurt, and all the salad that you want on that, hot pepper on top. Gonna serve it all night long. It’s gonna be the best thing that Sac.’s ever had. Kabob’s! And you can rub it all over your nipples, anytime you want, just rub it all over your nipples. It might make you cry a little bit when you eat it, but it also might make you happy.
FRINGE: You guys have opened/played with a gamut of bands in genres different that yours including the Deftones…
WHEELER: Our favorite band to open for was actually Menudo, we opened for Menudo. We did a short tour in Italy. It was good … Menudo and Mastodon was the line-up, it was good. My Kabob shop is gonna be called Bob’s Kabob, it’s gonna be in midtown. We have garlic yogurt, chili sauce. I’m gonna have a long night on the pita bread.
The night continued from there, only the way a real good rock show could continue on; beers and passing out. I have to give thanks to the guys in Will Haven for giving me a little more information than I bargained for. And have to give thanks to my good friend Jose, who without his camera, we would not have gotten some rockin’ pictures! Lookout for Mitch’s upcoming Bob Kabobs!
Finding Mercury
Uniquely Radiating
 Photo by Cameron Platt |
It was a nice, warm Saturday evening, and I had just enjoyed a hearty meal with my lovely wife and friend at Claim Jumpers in Roseville. We decided to see if there was any live music happening in the area. We don’t get many opportunities to get out too much these days, so when the opportunity does happen to present itself, we do like to support the local music scene when we can. Not wanting to travel very far from where we were at the time, we happened to end up at the Owl Club, a small establishment in the old part of town…a place that apparently nobody knows exists, as we were most likely the only paying customers there.
A band by the name of Finding Mercury took the stage soon after I arrived, and I was immediately drawn in by a sound that was very melodic, high energy, and truly captivating. I was very happy to hear something different for a change. In order to describe the music, I would have to say it was a blend of the Cure, some old U2, and a whole lot of passion and vigor. It was a shame that there weren’t more people in the audience to enjoy it.
Since I had never heard of this band before, I wanted to find out more about them. Here’s a quick synopsis: Hailing from the exotic city of Fairfield, CA, Finding Mercury consist of Joel Hundley on vocals and guitar, Jay Pittard on guitar, Chris White on drums, and Sonny Scroggin on drums. They’ve been together for about four years, released a CD back in 2005, and have been performing anywhere up and down the coast and in the valley since then.
I was curious about the band’s name. I asked Joel to explain it to me.
“Well, the story is that we thought Finding Murcury was quite a bit better than ‘Squirrel Piss’ at 2:00 AM on that blazing July night in 2004! The name actually has a divine meaning that was important to all the members in the band. It is quite simply a metaphor; as Mercury is the planet next to the sun, so we all wanted to find the place closest to the son of God.”
Creating music is a somewhat magical process. Nobody can truly explain where the process begins, other than one’s imagination. I wanted to know more about the band’s writing. What inspires them to write?
“Many of our songs are motivated by personal experiences,”
Joel explained, “the ups and downs of life, relational hardships, J-O-B-S, the divine, etc. It’s funny; there are truly very few happenings in our lives that have not sparked some form of inspiration or another.”
 Photo by Margaret Jow |
When a person is truly inspired by something, it may be expressed in a variety of mediums, such as painting, creative writing, dance, music, etc. Why did they choose music as their form of artistic expression? “First off,” Joel began, “we didn’t choose music, it chose us. There’s not a day that goes by without of one of us bringing something musical to the table. Whether an emotion that culminates into a chord arrangement or a thought that turns into a rhythmic pattern or soundscape, the four of us agree that music is the best way for us to capture and express our thoughts. We have always wanted our music, and especially our live performances, to capture and put into perspective the frailty and yet the robustness of life. We aim for our music to be a medium that moves people to a meaning in life beyond cultural, spiritual, and social biases.”
There are literally hundreds of bands between Sacramento and the Bay Area. I asked Joel what makes Finding Mercury unique from what is already out there.
“Joel Hundley, Sonny Scroggin, Jay Pittard, and Chris White,” he explained. Vague, yes, so I suppose you’ll have to check them out and find out for yourselves. Doing so is easy. You can find them on the Fringe website.
After their performance at the Owl Club, they gave out free CD samplers. The face of the CD begged the holder to copy the music and share it with others. I asked Joel if he supports online music file sharing.
“Absolutely,” he explained. “We want people to have access to our music whenever and wherever.
Online is a great place for sharing music to happen easily, not to mention the fact that it’s FREE promotion for the artist!”
For the future, the band plans to work with a seasoned producer in order to give the fans more beautiful and thought-provoking music. Look for a new CD to be released sometime later this year. Until then, you can catch Finding Mercury touring all over the west coast. Do yourself a favor and see them live, for this is where they truly shine.
Something Vicious For Tomorrow
“I’m gonna be perfect from now on. I’m gonna be perfect starting now.” - Built to Spill
Relationships are difficult for most people. For me, relationships are downright impossible. For some reason, I’m just coming to this conclusion. One would think that the trail of broken lives (my own included) I’ve left in the 15 years since I had my first “real” girlfriend would have clued me in long ago, however I’m a complete and total retard, so I’m just now realizing it.
I never planned on doing a column so semiserious (in fact, this edition of “Something Vicious…” was supposed to be a commentary on the Yacht Rock phenomenon that has been gracing YouTube for several months), but I think my recent breakup and the realization that I suck may be good fodder.
I will tell you that I have had one relationship that I was particularly good at. So good, in fact, that this relationship started 20 years ago, and is still going strong today. And that relationship is my love affair with music.
It may sound silly, but really, it makes a whole lot of sense. Music loves you unconditionally (no matter what a lame ass you are). Music is never too busy for you (and never gets sick of your incessant whining). And it’s much easier breaking up with a band than it is breaking up with a girl (the ending of my love affair with Reel Big Fish was WAY less painful than my breakup with my last girlfriend). Face it, music can be your best friend –your best friend that always does what you want to, who always goes where you want to go, who never sleeps with your girlfriend, and who never drinks all your beer.
It’s funny, after my last breakup (or any breakup, come to think of it), music was what kept me relatively happy and sane. So, it would seem that music is my “rebound” from ex-girlfriends, although music is always there during the relationship too, so I guess music would be my mistress. But my girlfriends are always aware of my affair with music, so I guess music is my “friend with benefits.”
“Music - Your ‘Friend with Benefits’ For Life.” I’m going to put that on a t-shirt.
Anyways, the following are what have helped me through the last couple months of breakup hell. Now, I know this isn’t all Music, but whatever. This is my column, I can do what I want, jerkbag.
Songs
•”Pixies” by Snuff
•”Randy Described Eternity” by Built to Spill
•”Midgets and Giants” by Sage Francis
•”Finished it Remains” by Idlewild
•”Why Are You Looking Grave” by Mew
•”Common Reactor” by Silversun Pickups
•”Shining Path” by Trans Am
•”Walken” by Wilco
•”Understand” by Your Codename is Milo
Albums
•”Livin’ the Dream” by Scott Reynolds
•”The Sinking Ship” by Smoke or Fire
•”Because of the Times” by Kings of Leon
•”We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank” by Modest Mouse
•”Crimson” by Alkaline Trio
•”Beyond” by Dinosaur Jr. Books
•”Perfect From Now On” by John Sellers
•”Love is a Mix Tape” by Rob Sheffield
•”Milk, Eggs, Vodka: Grocery Lists Lost and Found” by Bill Keaggy
DVDs
•”Dodgeball”
•”Arrested Development” seasons 2 and 3
•”Family Guy” seasons 1, 2, and 3
•”American Dad” season 1
Maybe some of these will help you through a breakup. Maybe not. Either way, I don’t care. Just remember your mistress — music — is always there for you. And that Dave Matthews Band sucks.
Shitake On My Parade
On a Sunday, this past Memorial Day weekend, we attended what we hoped to be a festival of the fungal fashion. We drove 138 miles to Morgan Hill to experience our first Mushroom Mardi Gras. An acquaintance of ours informed us about the many fruit and veggie festivals throughout California. We arrived mid-afternoon in hopes of experiencing many close encounters of the mushroom kind. Upon entering the festival, the first few sights that grabbed our attention were children’s rides and carnival games. We quickly zig-zagged through the crowd in search our elusive delicacies.
Our first inspection proved unfulfilling. The only edible items we initially came across were the typical sugary, greasy carnival/fair junk food vendors. A second search landed us in front of a Korean mobile restaurant. As luck would have it, they actually offered two vegan dishes. After grubbing down on a plate of rice, tofu, and stirfried veggies, we continued our pursuit for the food item in which this festival was supposedly honoring.
Another thirty minutes of meandering past mushroom-less merchants led us to what might be called a “food court” of sorts. This meager area appeared to encase the entire heart of the festival. The term “mushrooms a-plenty” did not come to mind. Of the handful of eateries in the immediate area, we found only four fastfood style dishes containing mushrooms. There were fried mushrooms, stuffed mushrooms, garlic bread smothered in mushrooms, and an $8 portabello sandwich about the size of a beer coaster. None were prepared to please a refined palate. With sun-beaten brows, sore feet, and unmet expectations, we trudged back to whence we came.
There were a few highlights to the experience; a ’80s rock cover band, various artists, and a free visit to the petting zoo on the way out. Although the Mushroom Mardi Gras lacked the exposure of local farmers and the various types of mushrooms, we might consider attending again, only next time it would be for the fun, not the fungi.
As these upcoming food festivals are becoming a new interest to us, we don’t want to be discouraged by our first experience.
Being vegans, we look forward to a plethora of meatless treats. We are interested in trying new presentations of old favorites, as well as sampling some wacky concoctions. We are still quite anxious to try the Garlic Ice Cream and the Asparagus Margarita! Fun is necessary at any festival, but the overall atmosphere should focus on the namesake of that particular event.
For a list of food festivals in California, visit www. fringemag.com for links.
Please send all correspondence to: herecomethevegans@yahoo.com
5 Bands To Know … According to Fringe
1. Nephilim - nephilimmusic.com
Photo: Dan Curtin
Formed as a Stairway to Stardom band, this Sacramento fourpiece quickly jumped to the forefront of the local metal scene in 2005. The young, aerobically, metal shredders have a presence and a talent that can’t be denied.
With tornado’s of hair and buzzsaw guitars their music is reminiscent of thrash metal’s hay-day pioneers Testament and Slayer. Raw, heavy and tight, Nephilim is a definite diamond in the rough of Sacramento’s kind -of-lacking metal scene. Emo beware, these guys mean business!
2. HELLA - hellaband.com
Photo: David Torch
Two’s company with this Sacramento based math rock band. Spencer Seim and Zach Hill lead up this infusion of fast prog-rock and technicality.
They seem to be a band that you either really love or hate.
With fast paced songs and jumpy riffs it might take you a while to appreciate their technical genius.
Intensely stimulating like really strong coffee, HELL A is the definition of a “musician’s band.” Most musicians will dig their talent and envy their ability to stay technical and appealing.
3. THE LUCKY STIFFS
Photo: Genea Burns
I have a warm spot in my heart for the good ol’ DIY punk bands.
This San Francisco based five piece has been playing ALL over the place lately. In February they dove head first into an ambitious 72 date US tour. The band plays in their stomping grounds of the Bay enough for you punk rock fans not to have an excuse as to why you haven’t seen them yet.
The Lucky Stiffs give a healthy dose of mohawk wearing punk riffs, angst ridden lyrics and fast beats.
The band released their album Gold In Peace, Iron In War on Pirates Press Records in 2006. Pirates Press is an indie collective of tattoo artists, musicians and other creative entrepreneurs.
4. AROARAH - aroarah.com
Being a female vocalist in a scene domnated by males I have a huge attraction to other female musicians who are geniune and not gimmicky.
These four amazing chicks are at the top of their game and reigning over the scene with more aire than Elizabeth I.
With a soft flowing melodies that explode into sing-scream vocals and tight rythms they defintely prove to be well rehearsed.
I would describe their sound as hard alternative, with some poppy vocals.
They’ve been gaining national momentum and for a group in their early twenties, they have their shit together better than most.
5. NUMIC - numic.com
Hard mainstream worthy metal with amazing production. Vocalist Stephen has a very clean, melodic range that shines and some pretty personal/reflective lyrics A talent with harmony and good music make this band one to check out.
With a professional appearance, professional sounding production and an ultra-cool website, I’m suprised I haven’t seen them more in the scene (or played with them for that matter.)
Their recent release One Above The Heretics is available for purchase on their ultra-cool site.
