The Metal Prepared Me For The Puking
My husband knew this lead singer from a thrash band in the Bay Area who pukes on people on stage. He uses a mixture of cod liver oil and green food coloring to tint the spew.
I saw this guy on a Jerry Springer episode a long time ago with a lover who hated being puked on. I don’t understand the whole puking fetish, and I don’t really want it explained to me. However, if someone were to make a joke about a puking fetish in conversation, I would laugh as if I knew why it was so funny. Because, what could be more lame than not knowing how funny sex and being vomited on is?
A couple weeks ago I think this puking thrash singer snuck into my son’s daycare and shared his secrets with my kid, explaining to him how “metal” it would be to puke on his mom.
It was a normal Thursday until I arrived at the door of the daycare. My daycare lady told me my son had been vomiting all day and he had decorated his entire diaper bag’s wardrobe with vomit.
In his whole seven months of life he’s only spit up. Spit-up may smell like sour milk, but spit-up is way easier to clean than VOMIT.
When we got home, I fed my son his regular fourounce bottle and we relaxed watching some TV. A half hour later, half a gallon of vomit came shooting out of my 14-pound baby’s mouth. It was horrendous. I just sat there in shock and watched it all happen, stunned by the force with which he had shot the puke through the air. I then immediately checked his temperature, he was fine. So I cleaned him and myself off and tried relaxing once more.
Out of nowhere he spewed again. I called my hospital’s advice nurse and she assured me he wasn’t sick, but his little tummy couldn’t handle the mucus from the runny nose he had for a few days.
He didn’t have any other symptoms, so I just had to deal with it.
After three new outfits for the both of us, I just wrapped the kid in a towel like a vomiting burrito and sat him on my lap.
The nurse told me to keep feeding him every hour to make sure he doesn’t get dehydrated and then spews out the other end.
While I was feeding him the baby-food version of bananas and rice cereal, I thought for sure I was free. He was holding it down like a champ and smiling at me while I held a washcloth in one hand and his spoon in the other.
I was certain his thrash-metal-vomiting-lead-singer phase had worn itself out.
Oh, how I was wrong. I do have to say, though, banana spew smells a lot better than formula spew. When my husband got home from band practice I shared with him how our son had turned into the Exorcist and he smiled at me thinking I was exaggerating. So, I made the kid a bottle and let my husband naively feed him. Ten minutes later, as I was in another room, I heard my husband’s surprise.
“AWK … WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?!?!?!”
I had a hearty laugh, so much for me exaggerating.
I then cleaned the puke off my husband as he tried to comprehend how “metal” our son had just become for puking on both his parents and the daycare lady.
Ozzy Lives!
In 1995 a following began, a following that, eleven years later, would become the monstrosity of a tour rightfully named “Ozzfest.” Coming from humble beginnings, to the juggernaut that it is now, we are still reminded every summer that heavy music is alive and well. The founder of this dark and heavy monster, is just as awesome of a vision to watch as ever before. Ozzy Osbourne, over the past six years, has been poked fun at for many reasons. But year after year, the man, the legend, the rock God came out on stage night after night to give one of the most mind-blowing performances you could ever imagine, a true rock & roll spectacle — a religious experience of sorts.
Saturday, July 1st, 2006 at Shoreline Amphitheater was different. It was not an Ozzy we see every year. With his all-star lineup of axe-man Zakk Wylde, drum extraordinaire Mike Bordin, and Zombie bassist Rob “Blasko” Nicholson, the group completely tore up the ever-so-tiny Ozzfest Second Stage, showing kids out there what a real showman can do.
I’ve been to many Ozzfest’s over the years, but have never quite experienced anything remotely like this one.
After being completely psyched about having a chance to see Ozzy up close, for a minimal price, I was ecstatic. I was beyond ready for this. I knew how intense this show was going to be, but I wasn’t prepared for the crap that awaited us inside the venue.
When we got in, after waiting in line for over an hour, three of the second stage bands had already gone through their sets. So, we grabbed a beer and walked on down to the tiny dirt-filled area that is known as the “pit”, to only find that there was a fence 50-feet back from the stage, and the only way inside the fence, was to have been one of the first couple thousand inside to get a wristband.
After trying to bribe several people, I finally gave up, and went to the beer garden to drown my sorrows. Then, during the mighty Black Label Society set, as I was delightfully slammed up against this horrid fence, myself and the 20,000 people behind me decided the fence had to go. When Zakk finished walked off the stage to suit up for the mighty Ozz set, you could feel a sense of despair and unrest brewing in the crowd. Something big was getting ready to happen.
With no warning, and the summer heat beating down on all 20,000 of us, 4 p.m. rolled around and the intro started.
All it took was enough people to start pushing, and right as Ozzy and Zakk ran out on stage, and you heard Zakk’s guitar start screaming to “I Don’t Know”, that fence was gone. I ran through the crowd of people punching and pushing my way through until there was nothing in front of me but a crazed Ozzy Osbourne looking directly down at me, screaming his head off.
Ozzy played by far the most memorable set in recent history. It was not long enough, but packed with everything from “Suicide Solution”, to “Flying High Again”, “Road to Nowhere” and so on. Everytime Ozzy said jump, or his signature “Go F– n’ Crazy”, the crowd did it. This was not your common crowd of maniacs starting fights, but better, they were just Ozzy fans on the brink of insanity, with smiles on every one of our faces.
I’m proud to say that I was part of something that truly showed how much the Ozzman still means to the metal community and that when you look past all of the horrible TV shows, and commercials on MTV, you still get the mad man.
As Ozzy’s set came to a close with Sabbath’s epic “Paranoid”, Ozzy belted out, “I think I’m going to do this every year!”
Well Ozzy, it’s been heard throughout the world that this year is free. Why in God’s name are you doing it for free? Who knows and who cares. You’re going to the true metal fans this year; the entire second stage is packed with nothing but metal, true, down and dirty, nitty-gritty metal. Main stage is looking very promising as well, as is Ozzy headlining yet another year, showing that he’s not gone. And with the new album on the horizon, and the promise of an old-school Ozzy sounding album, I can’t wait. The Ozzy faithful have spoken.
